Talking to a Toddler (Pt. 1)

Scene: Walking down the front path at Daycare, towards the parking lot. A middle-aged man is walking towards us, coming from the opposite direction. Lee stops and puts a hand on his hip.

Lee: Are you Catherine’s dad?

Man: Yes, I am.

Lee: Hmm. (walks away)

Me: That’s Lee.

Man: Oh, I know who that is.

Scene: It’s a lovely Friday night. D, Lee, Evie & I are all sitting around the dining room table chowing down on a pizza. Well, Evie has oatmeal.

Me: How was your day Lee?

Lee: Well, I bit John.

Me: Okay, I meant like coloring or playing with Legos. Did you do anything like that? Anything else? Anything fun?

Lee: I hit John in the forehead.

D: Oh man Lee. Why did you do that?

Lee: He hit me with a Buzz Lightyear.

D: Fair enough.

Scene: Mom down! Mom down! During some sort of weird 24-hour stomach bug that I am absolutely positive one of my children gave me..

Lee: Mommy, does your tummy hurt?

Me: It does baby.

Lee: Want me to kiss it?

Me: I’m okay baby, but thank you.

(Lee walks over, puts a hand on both of my shoulders, leans his forehead against my own).

Lee: It’s gonna be okay Mommy, but you have to relax. Relax Mommy, just breathe.

(Lee turns to leave the room, stops at the doorway..)

Lee: Mommy, relax. Breathe. I love you.

Scene: On the way home from dinner at D’s parents house. Lee and Evie are in their carseats in the back seat. Evie starts freaking out, screaming as loud as she can.

Lee: (soothing voice) It’s okay baby girl, calm down. We’re almost home.

Evie: *continues screaming*

Lee: (soothing voice) Baby girl, it’s okay. I promise it’s okay. Calm down Evie, please calm down Evie.

Evie: *continues screaming*


D: Well, that took a turn.

Scene: It’s 1 A.M. The house is quiet. Everyone is asleep, except for Lee. He throws open our bedroom door and runs in, trying to climb into bed with us.

Me: No bud, you have to sleep in your bed a while longer. It’s too early.

I take him back to bed, tuck him in, kiss him goodnight, and go back to bed. Twenty minutes later, he returns.

Me: Lee, you have to stay in your bed a bit longer. Come on now, let’s go.

Back to bed once more. Tuck him in, kiss him, and go back to bed.

Baby Monitor: **Evie screaming**

D: Give her a minute, maybe she’ll go back to sleep.

I pick up the baby monitor and see that her light is on and Lee is standing by her crib with what appears to be one of his arms through the slats. I get up, potty super fast, and open our bedroom door to find Lee standing there, looking up at me.

Lee: Mommy, Evie is upset.

Me: Did you wake up Evie?

Lee: Evie is upset **he pushes past me and climbs into bed with D**

Scene: D, Lee and Evie are on the way home from daycare. They pass my dads Excavator, parked on its trailer in his driveway.

Lee: What is Papaw doing with my Excamator?

D: That’s Papaw’s excavator and he’s probably fixing something with it.

Lee: That’s my excamator and he’s not supposed to be using it.

Scene: Lee, Evie and I are sitting on the floor in the living room playing with their toys.

Lee: I’m Ferdiman (aka Ferdinand the Bull) MMMMOOOOOOOOOO……

Me: Hi Lee

Lee: I’m not Lee, I’m Ferdiman

Me: No you’re not, you’re Lee


Scene: Still on the floor in the living room.

Lee: Mommy, act like a dog.

Me: **starts barking and panting**

Lee: Oh puppy, do you want a treat?

Me: **nods yes**

Lee: You can’t have any more treats, you’re too fat.

Scene: Lee on the potty. This one is not for those lacking a sense of humor.

Lee: Oh man, I gotta poop. I’m gonna push, I’m gonna push. This is gonna be a big one. Mom. Mom. Tell me a story while I push.

Me: Once upon a time, there was…

Lee: Mommy, hush. Mommy, stop. Not now. I’m pushing. I gotta push. It’s a big one. Yep, it’s a big one. I’m gonna have to wash my hands. Okay, I’m done. No. No no, I’m not done. I gotta push again. I’m pushing again. Ooooohhhhh it’s another big one. Oh man. Okay, I gotta breathe. Breathe Captain Lee, breathe. Okay, okay. All done. Whew..! Okay, let’s wipe my butt.

xxxxx A


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